Content to Be

I am single. And, I don't want to be.

I want to be married. I want, with every fiber of my being, to be happily married. And, I want God to pick him out for me.

And, because of this deep-seeded desire of my heart, I have a hard time with the verse in the Bible that says, "... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Philippians 4:11b.

I am just so stinkin' proud of Paul for being such a trooper. You know, Paul the persecutor of Christians until, on the road to Damascus, he is struck blind until he promises to stop being so hateful and start spreading the Good News. Of course, people are hesitant to accept Mr. Mighty Transformation, so making friends wasn't his strongest quality for a long time. People jeered him, stoned him, plotted against him, turned him away, beat him to near-death, threw him in jail, spit on him, hated him... and he has the nerve to say in his letter to the Philippians that he has learned to be content in whatever circumstances he is handed.

I have always felt selfish for being so strong-willed about my husband who I was certain was just around the next corner of my life. And, here is Paul, hanging out in jail, bloodied and beaten and singing songs to the Lord, all content and satisfied with his life.

I thought, for a long time, that content meant 'not wanting'.... like, I am content in being single so I do not want to be married any longer. And, I could throw off all of my wants and desires except that one. That desire to be married has thorned my side and kept me from being 'content' all these years.

But, in further contemplation about the word content, I have come to the realization that I have had the definition incorrect all these years. Being content doesn't mean void of wanting. I believe it means being satisfied with not receiving what is wanted.

I believe that God is Sovereign and has infinite wisdom. I believe He loves me better and more abundantly than anyone else. I believe He hears my cries. I believe He hears the prayers and petitions for my husband. I believe He knows the desires of my heart and will give them to me if I choose Him over them. Because of these beliefs, I know that if I am single, it is because there is a good, good reason for me to be single. And, in that, I am satisfied. I am content. The want has not gone anywhere. It is still, very much, deep in my heart. But, I am satisfied with the knowledge that God has chosen another path for me today, and, for today, I will follow the path that He has chosen for me, even if that path takes me away from my wants.

So, maybe it was WHO Paul believed in that gave him such a irritating high as to sing songs of worship in jail. Maybe Paul understood that our hope isn't in what is hoped FOR, but in WHOM we hope IN. And, if that were my stance, I bet I could drum up the nerve to sing a verse or two, as well.