DNA vs. God's Will

I have, somewhere deep in my DNA structure, a gene that causes me to want to make things happen.

A born cruise-director. If I could just be put in charge of the clipboard with the master list of activities, snapping my fingers and pointing to where and when things were going to happen, answering questions for those who weren't listening, and readjusting my sun visor as I demonstrated the exit route after having done the giant slide at the back of the boat, I would have fulfilled one of my life's desires.

An insta-conductor. I have never been able to play an instrument; can barely carry a tune; have no idea what those little notes on the steps mean. But, if I could be that guy in the tux, waving the stick with everyone poised and looking at me to know what happens next, I could die a happy woman.

A wanna-be wedding planner. The absolute delirium I would feel in getting to be the person who knew when everything was to arrive, who was to be where at what time, the time-keeper, the delivery-checker, the go-to woman in the headset would be enough to float me right on up to heaven with a smile on my face.

So, you can imagine the fall out when, upon putting the Lord on in baptism, I learned that He wanted to be the cruise-director, the conductor, and the wedding planner - all in one. I handled it well for a time. I was gracious enough to let God think He was in control from November of my 6th grade year until the following September. Then, we began having problems. I had agreed to let God be the prayer-answerer, as long as He stuck to the prayers I had asked for. You know, did what I said. But, from my 7th grade year on, I realized that I had a rogue -God on my hands. He wasn't always where I needed Him to be. And, He certainly wasn't answering my prayers like I had wanted Him to. This incensed me to no end. I had plans! I had dreams! I had things to do! I knew where everything was and when it was to take place! Obviously, he hadn't noticed the clip board, the stick-thing, or the headset. He, clearly, did not recognize that I was the one in charge; the one making things happen.

I sat at a homecoming football game a few years out of college watching the young ladies be driven around the track, sitting high on the back of a very expensive car, being escorted to their place on the field, all of them waiting to hear their name being called as that year's homecoming queen. As each girl was introduced, the announcer gave a run-down of the things that she had participated in at school and church, and he listed out loud for all to hear her goals and dreams for the future. Each girl's goals had to do with whatever career path she wanted to take: "Barbara Sue wants to attend Texas Tech University and major in Veterinary Science." Her dreams had to do with her family life: "Barbara Sue wants to be married with three kids by the time she is 34." I sat in the stands, wearing black and red to support the team I was going for, freezing cold from an early-October cold front that had moved in, shaking my head, completed jaded. I had been one of those high school girls with goals and dream, too. None of the things on my list of goals and dreams had manifested themselves. My ability to make things happen had failed. And, God had been boycotting my prayer requests for some time, by then.

I asked for a set of Oneida 18/10 stainless flatware from a department store for Christmas about three years ago. I had been using the cheap, plastic-handled, college-y kind for all of my adult life. I was holding out on real flatware in hopes that whatever fiance ended up next to me and I would register for some at Macy's so our friends would have something to buy us for our wedding showers. I am embarrassed to admit all of the things that I "held out on" while waiting for the life I had dreamed up to start taking shape. The problem was, my real life had already begun taking shape. I just hadn't had a thing to do with the shaping of it, and it didn't look anything like I had dreamed it would. I had sucummbed to God's Will, by then. Gave in to it. Admitted defeat. Waved a white flag and surrendered to it. And, so on Christmas morning, there in bright-colored wrapping, tied up with a bow, an outward sign of the acceptance of how my life had shifted from what I wanted to what God had prepared.

My mom teaches middle schoolers. God help her. She teaches three classes of regular English and one class of fancy English. Her coworker teaches three classes of fancy English and one class of regular English. To me, it seems like it would make more sense and be less work for one teacher to teach all of the regular English and the other teacher to teach all of the fancy English. I made noise as such to my mother who assured me that, although she had similar thoughts, she trusted the schedule-makers because they knew all the rules, they had years of experience in creating schedules, and they had the big picture in mind. She recognized that just because it didn't make sense to her (or her know-it-all, cruise director, insta-conductor, wedding planner wanna-be daughter), it didn't mean that it didn't make sense at all. Her classes were a detail in the school's big picture. And, she trusted the person with the big picture.

Oh, that I would be able to apply such a concept to my life!

I finished reading a book this past week that spoke on, among other things, trusting God. Not trusting God to do this or that for us. Just trusting God. And, I was convicted by the idea that trusting God to do something for us is to have expectations. Trusting God to do what He Wills is to have faith.

Clipboards, stick-things, and headsets are a part of me. I am who I am. But, I want to make sure that I have a free hand to take hold of what God has for me, whatever it may be in this life. And, I want to trust God - not to do what I want but to do what He Wills.

"' For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8