Priorities

The last date of publishing for my blog was in July. My calendar says November. There were a few days in September that I thought about logging on to see what my fingers might type out but knew that it had been months since I had given my blog a single thought and felt bad; like when you haven't called your friend in months and are so thwarted with shame that the thought of calling her to admit your neglect keeps you from calling and so another month passes. And then another.

I am terribly ashamed that something so important to me has become so not.

'Round about August, my life took off like a race horse who was startled into running with the shot of a starting gun. A new job that has stretched me in ways I thought only possible for Gumby; a heartache that wrecked me for a solid two weeks and still steamrolls through my heart sometimes; a sweat-induced beginning to my post-graduate work; new experiences, new faces - all have aided in my life being turned upside down. And, interestingly enough, the normal hum-drum of life begged to be addressed, too: laundry, dry cleaning, grocery shopping, bills, bathing. Until the only time to myself for things like writing was being spent sleeping. Literally. Sleeping.

I am terribly ashamed that something so important to me has become so not.

There were times, though, that I felt the shiver of the Holy Spirit calling me to write. He has called on me many times since July. I tend to have a single idea for a story - usually surrounding something has happened to me. And, if it is from God, the words that surround the single idea begin to come, seamlessly, flowing out of my fingers, cementing thoughts that help me understand what has happened or what I need to learn through the single idea experience. And, usually, I know instantly that I am to post it for others to read; for others to hear what He has called me to write - I assume He wants others to learn from my experience; that He gave me the gift of writing to proclaim His ways through our lives. A gift. A calling. My ministry.

I am terribly ashamed that something so important to me has become so not.

And, even knowing, believing this to be a gift, I essentially shrugged off the shiver from the Holy Spirit; ignored it. Preferring to sleep or complete my next grad school assignment or fill out Book Fair forms for school, I chose to place the Holy Spirit on hold. And, then, I forgot He had called. And now, it has been months since we've talked, and I am so thwarted with shame to admit my neglect that I fear another month will separate me further from His Spirit. And, so, this blog has grown dusty as evidence of my lack of communication with Him.

And, I am terribly ashamed that something so important to me has become so not.

"Create in me a clean heart, Oh Lord. And renew a right spirit within me." Psalms 51:10